My best friend said he’d unfriend me if I ever had kids

Have a question you want to ask Dear Life Kit anonymously? Share it here. For our next episode, we’re looking for your queries on doubt and making decisions in relationships. 

These questions were answered by friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson and psychologist Marisa Franco. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Dear Life Kit, 

The other day, my best friend told me if I ever had kids, it would be the end of our friendship. I tried talking to him about it, but he kept insisting that it would change everything and I would have less time for him.

It seems a little harsh to drop a friend of 14 years because they had a baby. But I believe him because he’s done this with other friends. 

He doesn’t want children, but I’m undecided. I want to approach this issue again with him but I don’t know how. Any advice?  —Hypothetically Hurt

Left Darren Agboh; Right Shaniya Clarke Creative

But ultimatums don’t do well in relationships because you are removing my sense of agency. If I want to have children, I would hope that you, as my friend, are going to be a witness to this transition in my life. And that our friendship is going to evolve.

“Our friendship is so important. I would love to figure out ways to still be invested in this friendship when I have kids.

Losing you as a friend would be a major loss for me. I hope that no matter where our friendship goes, you would be open to figuring out a way to continue it. Because I really love you. Even if this does change how much time I have to spend with you, how much love I have for you would never change.”

When people are triggered, they tend to be self-centered because they’re in pain. They don’t have enough capacity to see yours.

The podcast episode was produced by Andee Tagle. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@.org.